Wednesday, February 8, 2012

A Corollary Study*

My love life amuses my friends to the degree that they have plans to write scripts based on it for sitcoms. We aren’t sure of the evolution quite yet; whether the TV show will come first, then movie (ex: Sex and the City) or vice versa (ex: Buffy the Vampire Slayer).

Anyway, I bring this up to explain why I have given up on the dating scene. Meena told me that I give more attention to puppies on the sidewalk than I do to potential men. This is true. I just don’t have the energy, patience, stamina, or cutthroat competitive drive. You see, I conducted a non-scientific, data-poor, assumption-based study, relying on prejudiced observation and hearsay. And because I’m certain the greater public will benefit from such groundbreaking work, I present my findings below. Feel free to leave your feedback and thoughts before I submit this to the New England Journal of Medicine. I will list you as an Editor. (Special thanks to Ham N. Sargento, MD, L. Lee, PhD, MBA, MSW, DrPH, and Leana Men, Esq., BAMF)

Will my penchant to pounce on seemingly available men increase the longer that I am single?

Research and Methods:
  • Observations from “Girls Night Out,” both as a participant and third-party bystander 
  • 11,028 hours over 4.7 years of G-chat conversations with expert testimony and analysis from lots of women, and some men “for the male point of view”
Duration of singledom directly correlates to aggression displayed during flirting.

One evening I went out with a group of girls, most of whom I did not know and met for the first time, to a sportsball event. The average age was 30 (95% CI, 27 to 33). I, and my close friend—we’ll call her “Sheena”—got down to business and left the larger group immediately to locate food and beverages. When we returned, I was surprised to see that our group of 7 increased to 12. Upon entering the sportsball stadium, the others in the group focused their attention on gathering men. For the remainder of the outing, while Sheena and I concentrated on beasting garlic fries, the other members of our group displayed impressive flirting skills, drawing in increasing numbers of men. At any given time, each girl was in sermone(1) with a man. When one stopped to catch a breath, another swooped in and diverted attention away from the first.

On a separate occasion, several friends gathered together to celebrate a birthday. As the evening progressed, an auxiliary friend joined the group. I began to notice how this latecomer was handsome and brought this to the attention of others in the group. When the group turned to affirm my observation, we saw that “Charlotte” (age 34) was already on it. Upon relocating to a second venue, Charlotte disappeared with the boy, who later reemerged flushed and bewildered; she smiling. We did not ask questions.

The first example shows that in order to separate oneself from a group, girls will and must out-flirt each other when surrounded by competition. Moreover, catching male attention must be the first priority, especially in a sportsball setting. You should not allow yourself to be distracted by other interests, such as food.

The second example illustrates that as you grow older, the orbitofrontal region of the brain, which plays a role in making appropriate social responses (particularly in situations involving fear and aggression), evolves to shed any sense of hesitation. This gives the older brain a clear advantage when responding to even the slightest detection of an attractive man.

The hypothesis is correct. As one ages, they become increasingly aggressive in their tactics to capture attention. However, this has led the author to the realization of a Dating Catch 22: the more aggression you display, the more likely you are to scare off potential mates. The increasing frequency with which this occurs, the longer you are single. Aggressive girls get the action, but not the man.

The author is not saying that aggressive behavior in females is negative. I, myself, have aggressively lurked on a few occasions. However, I have agreed to “reign in the crazy,” and will therefore retire such behavior.

*Names and events changed to protect the identity of the study subjects, as no forms of informed consent were obtained prior to this study.
(1) conversating

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