Monday, March 30, 2009

The shitty umbrella monopoly

Why do stores sell shitty umbrellas?? I've wasted too much money on stupid umbrellas that, without fail, end up in a trash can after I've battled with it for four blocks on sprightly New England days.

It's not like you can avoid them. Trust me, I'm that idiot in the middle of the store opening them, swinging them around, shaking them.. But it's not like you can recreate gale-force winds inside a CVS. And those bastards lure you with the "wind-proof" double vent (doesn't work), a release button that opens the umbrella for you (for the truly lazy), and ones that are so small you're able to stick it in your bag and take it with you anywhere (four blocks to the nearest trash can).

Sure, you can avoid it all and lug a giant golf umbrella down the sidewalk. But I'm 5'1" (5'2" on a good day) and those things are longer than my legs. If I carried one with me and opened it up on a windy day I'd be Mary Poppins'ed into traffic and Mass Ave roadkill.

Listen, umbrella-makers of the world: I understand you're making money hand-over-fist by continuing to put worthless pieces of crap in your stores. But do consumers and landfills a favor and give us something that actually works.

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