I probably need an actual therapist

Have you ever met a Korean mother? Not the quirky-but-loveable version that Margaret Cho does impressions of. I'm talking--behind closed doors, [insert luxury car name] keys thrown on the counter, golf glove and visor peeled off revealing a fresh perm and/or tattooed eyebrows--Korean mother.

Messieurs et Mesdames: Ma Mère

In January, when I had just gotten to Seoul from Manila, my mom called to inform me that a very nice boy from a good family, "Harbard" grad, who is tall (all clearly essential qualities in a future mate, you see) was coming to Korea and I'm going on a blind date with him. No, not "do you want to," but "you are going on a date with him." I refused. What was she going to do to me? Skype me to death? To appease her, I told her the next time I'm in Chicago, she could set up the date.

I was just there at the end of August. My mom and her steel trap mind clung to my words for holy matrimony and set up the date. "Wear a dress and heels, do your hair and makeup, and if you're fat right now, lose some weight. You're going on your date." WHAT? Are you serious?? Straight from the airport, I was taken to dinner with him, my parents, his parents, and his aunt. Awkward.

The next day she tells me his parents thought I was oh-so-wonderful and they approve. However, the guy told his mom, who told my mom, who told me, (do see how this is immensely awkward and why moms should never meddle in their kids' love lives?) I seemed like I didn't want to be there and wasn't very interested when we had our alone-time after the meal. Perceptive, isn't he? Then my mom informs me she's giving them my email address so that he and I can start dating. Excuse me? What? I told her aside from everything else wrong with this picture, I live in SF and he's in Chicago. I do not do long distance. "Oh, that's ok. I found you a job here. I'll pay off the rest of your rent--you're moving back to Chicago."

I'm not even making any of this up. I wish I were. She called me to tell me another family "showed interest." I feel like I'm being auctioned off.